Hmmmmmm........

Weight: Not sure, apparently I have a really deep fear of possessing a scale. I went to buy one and found every excuse in the book why no scales I looked at would work out for me. So, I'm still scale-free. I'm going to try to buy one again this weekend. *fingers crossed* ;)

Physical well being: I'm having a bit of abdominal discomfort today, not bad pain like usual, but definitely growing worse as I sit at the computer. Hopefully it won't graduate to searing pain by the end of the day. (Look at me, using the word hope! Well, I guess my optimistic side hasn't been totally crushed after all.) It's hard though, I'm having another bad bout of acne, my whole face hurts, but I can't use anything on it or it gets worse. I wonder if I have a food allergy that I'm unaware of....... might be worth investigating....

Mental well being: Not great. But on the good side, I've managed to keep my random bouts of hysterical sobbing contained to the times where I am not around others. That's a major feat. It's really hard not to totally lose it at work. Oh, well, I can't seem to really pull it together, not sure why, not really feeling inspired to delve into the 'why' of it either........

Sleep: Fitful. Had random nightmares, then Zeus got scared and tried to jump into bed with me. Ok, here's the thing, I sleep on a day-bed, it has a trundle that rolls out from under it for Zeus to sleep on, the day-bed itself is tiny and when he tries to get up there with me, it usually ends up with a 125lb missile hitting me in the chest. Feels a little like getting kicked by a horse. Not really good for getting much sleep.........

Food: Did ok today. The Calorie-Counting site I've been using is still being a great help to me. I'm really trying to make my food at home instead of eating out. It's a tough change, but I think in the long run, it'll be worth it... Luckily, it's soup-weather! I make a huge pot of soup on Sunday and eat it for lunch (yes sometimes for dinner too) all week long. That seems to be working pretty well, except that my son hates soup. He won't eat it, so he has been fending for himself for dinner...... that usually means he cooks something totally delectable, and not really healthy. It's hard not to eat what he's making. I sample it, of course, but I stick to lower-calorie, higher veggie content foods for my dinner. Oh, well, I've got to stay strong and resist the yumminess.

Exercise: Took Zeus on a walk. Still trying to make it a daily thing. It's hard though, I 'm so tired after work that all I want to do is crash. I also sat on my yoga ball for a couple of hours. That might not sound like much, but it really does work the core, yay!

Housework: Ok, pathetically enough, I still can't face cleaning my upstairs bathroom. So the little home-maker inside me has been screaming at me for days. I usually tell her to shut up, after all, I am a working girl. I can't be expected to keep the house as clean as it was when I was a full-time home-maker. Instead, I decided to mollify her by going thorough ALL my paperwork. That's right, I paid bills, filed receipts, recycled junk-mail, etc. My kitchen table and butcher's block are sans-paper stacks for the first time in ages! Go me! Sometimes I really miss having a home office....... it would be so much easier to be able to file and sort as I go along....... oh well..........

Relationship with God: Not great. I realized I'm really mad at Him. Not for what you might think though, not for anything that's happened to me. I know that he could have stopped any or all of the bad things in my life from happening to me, but I'm not mad that He didn't stop them. The fact of the matter is, my life hasn't been so terrible. Sure, I've been through some really tough things, but come on, who hasn't? There are people all over the world who suffer on a daily basis way more than I ever have. So why am I mad at Him? Well, it's pretty simple really, it seems that I'm quite broken inside. Yep, that's it. I've prayed and prayed about it, but I've not healed and become whole. That's what really steams me. Sounds silly, doesn't it?

The thing is, I'm unhappy. Deeply, devastatingly unhappy. It can't really be because of my circumstances. There are people who have terrible circumstances and manage to be happy, but not me, nope, not me. I'm not happy no matter what my circumstances are. Even when things go well, which they occasionally do, I'm not happy.

So, why the unhappiness? I really think it's because I have no self esteem. I really, truly, deeply feel that I'm not worth anything. Nothing that I've said and done, or that others have said and done has ever changed that. I want to feel that I have value. I want to feel that I'm worthy of being loved. But I don't. Never have. It's hard for me when people in my life tell me that they love me or that I'm important to them. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't seem possible that they could really care about me. That's what makes me really mad at God. He could fix me, He could make whatever is so broken in me totally healed, but He doesn't. Not only does He not stop bad things from happening to me, but He also won't heal me. He could, I know He could, but He won't. I really think that's why I don't trust Him. All the stress and disasters and pain in my life would at least be somewhat tolerable if I felt a little loved, a little valued, worth a little something. But, no. None of that for me. I don't get it. It's not something that I can fix. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Bible Study: It's really hard to read the bible when I'm having such deep emotional problems in regards to God.... I can't even look at it without feeling a bit sick to my stomach...... that can't be good.

General Thoughts: I am deeply distressed. Not sure how to proceed. Very discouraged. Not sure how to carry on. A dear friend told me the other day that she has complete faith in me, that I've overcome so much in my life that she's certain I'll get through this too. I wish I had half of her conviction, or even a quarter would be nice.

More when I can!

~Jess

Identity Chrisis!

Weight: Not sure, payday is tomorrow though, so finally, I'll have a scale! :)

Physical well being: Abdominal pain is not too bad today....... a little sore in the butt and tummy...... that's awesome though, that means my nightly walks with Zeus are starting to do something!

Mental well being: Feeling kinda fractured..... On the one hand, it's not as hard as it was last week to be nice to people, bonus! On the other hand, my random bouts of hysterical sobbing seem to be increasing. Hmmmm......... this could be a problem.

Sleep: Not at all peaceful last night. I seem to be having a resurgence of inappropriate dreams. I haven't had them in a while, then all of a sudden, they were back in force. The last few nights have been particularly steamy, I can't figure out which part is more unsettling..... The fact that I have such dreams about people I actually know and that are so realistic that I could swear I've seen my guy friends naked? Or the fact that it gets me so worked up that I'm this walking ball of sexual tension that has absolutely no outlet? I started worrying about this in earnest yesterday as I found myself slowing down as if to pick up a hitchhiker. I caught myself in time........ no temporary tension-relievers for me! Go willpower!

Food: Did ok today. The Calorie-Counting site I've been using is totally helping me get a better grasp of what I'm really consuming daily. It also helps me see what little changes I can make here and there that are really helping me to nourish my body better without over-doing it volume-wise. You might give it a try, it's called Spark People, here's a link http://www.sparkpeople.com

Exercise: Took Zeus on a walk. Trying to make it a daily thing. He's so bored all day without Shelby Lynne. I came home yesterday and he had unloaded an entire bookshelf. He didn't tear anything up, just pulled it all off the shelf and placed it neatly in front of the case. It was bizarre. Hopefully more walks in the evening will encourage him to leave my books alone during the day.

Housework: Finally really deep-cleaned my downstairs bathroom. Next, the upstairs one! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! :)

Relationship with God: Um, apparently not great. I had the disturbing realization last night that I really don't trust Him. Really really don't. I realized that I pray to Him for other people, and totally believe that He'll answer my prayers for them. I pray nightly for my son and my dog, believing that He'll look out for them. But when it comes to me, it's like I've hit a stone wall. I don't believe in my heart of hearts that I can trust Him as far as my life goes. That's why I work so hard on bringing my life under my control, I don't trust that He'll come through for me. It makes me so sad. I want to learn to trust Him again. I've been trying to put my trust in Him for quite a while now, but apparently, it's not sticking. I don't know what to do. Others have advised me to just trust Him. That's so easy to say, but I really don't know how.

Here's a recent and heartbreaking example.... My little snaussage dog Shelby Lynne.... she was dying slowly of Kidney Disease. She was in her last days. She was just so tired and in so much pain I couldn't take it anymore. I was really afraid that she'd go when I wasn't there with her. So, instead of trusting in God's timing and letting her pass naturally, I took her into the vet and had her put to sleep.

I only just now realized that I did it out of a lack of trust in God. I didn't believe that He'd be so kind to me to have me there when He took her, so I took it into my own hands and ended her sweet little life, on my terms, at the vet's office.

I can't express to you the guilt I've been suffering ever since. I can't tell you how broken I feel inside as I realize how deep my mistrust for God goes. I don't trust in Him to bring any good into my life. I don't trust that He'll bring me a good husband, more children, a home of my own, etc. Or if he ever does, I don't trust that He won't take it all away again. I can't believe that He really loves me. He's the only one in the whole world that knows me completely, He's also the only one in the whole world who could have prevented tragedies in my life and didn't. I don't feel love from Him. I don't feel like I can trust him. I don't know how to fix it and I don't trust Him to fix it. I have no idea what to do.

Bible Study: It's really hard to read the bible when I'm having such deep emotional problems in regards to God....

General Thoughts: I have no idea how to move forward, I feel like I am starting to get a little tiny grip on my physical well-being, but that won't go far or last long unless I can really pull it together on the mental and emotional side. I'm afraid that I'm too damaged and scared to actually ever really get better. I'm terrified that whatever it was that went horribly wrong in my grandma and great-grandma is going wrong in me. I don't know how to hold onto myself. I don't know if I can get it together, and frankly, I'm exhausted from trying. I wish I could give it over to God....... I wish I could lay it all at His feet and be unburdened from it all...... I know that He's delivered so many many people........ I just wish I could believe that He'd come through for me.

More when I can!

~Jess

Starting to dread bed-time....

Had a series of the strangest nightmares yet. The first one was, I thought, a really great dream! It's the first time in ages that I had a dream where I had a good life and was truly happy. It was set in a post-apocalyptic world. We had reverted back to farmers/hunters/gatherers/barterers.

In my dream, I was newly married, my husband was strong and capable, loved me and loved working by my side as we worked our land. My friends all had farms nearby and we had a lovely life, full of hard work, but deeply satisfying.

It was so strange.... at one point my husband kissed me, it was so real, that it was hard to believe I was still a dreaming. I had forgotten what it was like to kiss and be kissed. Forgotten the power of it, the way it can set your whole self aflame, the way it can make you melt and give you such passion all at the same time. Oh, to be kissed, I do miss that.

Anyway, at the end of my dream we were ending a hard but beautiful day, I lay down to go to sleep, I rested my head on my husband's shoulder then looked up at him to say good-night........... and saw that he, smiling down at me with such absolute love and warmth, was my ex-husband. I screamed, and woke up crying.

I can't even begin to figure out what that might have meant. I'm not at all sure what was more unsettling, the fact that in my dream life, I'm happily married to my ex, or the fact that the lingering feelings of happiness were so foreign to me that I actually didn't like them.

Has it really been so long since I've been happy that feeling that level of joy is uncomfortable for me? I'm trying to figure out the last time I felt happy for more than a moment. I'll let you know if I can remember a time of happiness. Anyway, there were more nightmares after that, mostly work-related. Not a great night for me.

Weight: Not sure, come on payday, momma needs a scale! :)

Physical well being: Abdominal pain is slightly better today....... I do have a bizarre lump on the back of my head though. It's giving me a terrible headache, hmmmm........ better call mom.

Mental well being: Wondering if the St John's Wort is really going to help, and if so, when? I'm deeply troubled. It's exhausting to be friendly and pleasant all day long at work when all I want to do is cry. I find that I'm withdrawing more and more from my family and friends. That can't be good.

Sleep: Not at all peaceful last night. Refer to nightmares above.

Food: Did ok today, I'm getting back to tracking what I eat at an online site that shows you, when all is said and done, how much you are actually taking in. Sometimes it's really helpful to be able to see it all laid out like that. It also really helps me to make educated decisions about what I'll eat for dinner. I can test things out and it'll tell me when I'm crossing the line fat-or-calorie-wise for what my goal is.

Exercise: Took Zeus on a walk. Not the most vigorous exercise, but better than nothing. Then it was back to my yoga ball for an episode of Ugly Betty. Yes, I have a new show to entertain myself with on DVD. Gotta love Craigslist! :)

Housework: No housework today, I decided to try to get out of hermit-mode and go visit a friend for a while this evening.

Relationship with God: Ah, who knows. I'm so exhausted by trying to function normally I can't even begin to figure out how to have a better relationship with Him.

Bible Study: Promised myself I'll read at least a little before bed tonight, then fell asleep while trying to do so....

General Thoughts: Too tired and too much grief to have much in the way of coherent general thoughts. My heart is sore.

More when I can!

~Jess

Strange realizations....

I only just really realized last night that the kind of man I want wouldn't want the kind of woman I have become. Such a lonely and yet strangely comforting thought.

I am terrified to become the woman I know I'm meant to be because I can't imagine the reality of being with the man I want, the possibility of having more kids, a home of my own, etc. I am overwhelmed by the thought of having that much joy in my life because then I'll have so very much more to lose. I'm afraid that if all my dreams come true, and then I lose it all again, I might not survive it.

So I neglect to do what I know I should do to move forward in my life. I 'forget' to send out paperwork that would fix my credit (no house for me). I make a complete idiot out of myself around any eligible man that comes within a hundred feet of me (no husband/more kids for me).

To further protect myself, I eat. I do make better choices these days as far as what I eat, but I still eat way too much. I eat out of boredom, anxiety, need for comfort, etc. I was actually exercising a whole lot earlier this year, but once people started commenting on how good I was looking, all of a sudden I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym. You see, being overweight is my shield. It's the perfect blame-all. For example:

~Why am I not married? I'm fat.
~Why don't I have more kids? Too many health issues with being overweight.
~Why don't I go out more? None of my clothes fit.
~Why do I feel terrible all the time? Slow death by flubber.
~Why are you eating that? What does it matter, my butt is only getting bigger anyway....

I am terrified of what would happen if I actually lost the weight. Who would I be? How would I feel? What would stop good things from happening to me? What would I blame then for my troubles? So, here I sit, in my fat-suit, way too scared to take it off. Even with this whole blogging thing, as I am really forcing myself to exercise, my heart is not in it. There is a lovely woman inside of me, crying to get out, while at the same time busily building brick walls to keep herself trapped inside. I don't know how to change this. I don't know how to get past the fear.

I think I've lost too much, I don't know if I can ever really let myself be vulnerable again. They say it's better to have and lost than to never have loved at all. I'm not convinced that is at all true. Maybe I'll never experience all life has to offer if I don't open myself up to it all, but I also will not experience the devastating losses either, I'm really starting to wonder if I'm ok with that. As I watch my friend go through the loss of her husband, I have to consider if it's worth it....... in all probability, and there are lots of statistics to back me up here, unless I marry a man significantly younger than me, I'll most likely out-live him. Do I want to experience that? I just lost my dog and I can barely function, what on earth would I do if I truly loved a man and he died on me.

Who am I? What am I doing? Why do I let the fear hold me back? What a chicken-shit I've become....

Weight: Not sure, putting a scale on my list for Wal-Mart.

Physical well being: Not great today. Abdominal pain is really bad today.......

Mental well being: Confused, trying to understand the why's of life, pretty convinced that I'll never really get it.

Sleep: Not enough again last night. Mostly due to the fact that I cried so much before bed that I was all congested and plugged up so I couldn't sleep with my mask on at all. This, of course, led to a night of terrible snoring and no deep sleep at all. Stupid sleep apnea!

Food: Did ok today, lots of veggies and a fair amount of protein. Really trying to keep track of my portions.

Exercise: Blew it on exercise today. Took small comfort in using my yoga ball while watching Scrubs (yes, I watched 7 episodes in a row and I'm not at all sorry! :)

Housework: Almost have my kitchen totally over-hauled, need to get bathrooms in order........Oops! Laundry is starting to get away from me again!

Relationship with God: Still not sure I'm hearing Him at all.... Still trying though.

Bible Study: Totally didn't do it today, must make that more of a priority.

General Thoughts: Too tired and too much grief to have much in the way of coherent general thoughts. My heart is sore.

More when I can!

~Jess

It seems there is no end to things I get to learn about myself....

So, I've been having a bit of trouble lately with some pretty distressing nightmares. Most of which are based on things being missing or broken or stolen from my home. Had a terrible one last night that my colored pencil case was lost. After a terrible night's sleep, I found I couldn't leave for work this morning until I had located it. I was totally freaked out, panicking, convinced it was gone. I found it, tucked away on the shelf next to the one that it usually lives on.

Here's the thing, I realized that every night, on my way to my bed room, I glance around my living room. I really think that my sub-conscious registers when things are not where I expect them to be and then messes with me all night, even though I'm not even consciously aware of seeing anything amiss.

Here's the weirder part, I've looked over my dream-log, yes I keep a log, and this has just started happening since Annie moved out. I'm wondering if the previous state of general disorganization in my living room had prevented me from being too neurotic about it all. Maybe, now that she's not there, I'm starting to revert to what my son refers to as the 'House Nazi'. Where I really have to have everything just so.

More and more, my peace of mind seems to be affected by the order (or dis-order) that surrounds me. I find that it's a constant struggle for me to not completely give in to the crazy version of myself. You see, I've always had tendencies toward OCD. Mostly, I've managed to keep it in check. It seems though, my current job, with it's need for complete accuracy and intensive attention to detail, has really been feeding my OCD tendencies. Not only has it been very helpful in my work, I've streamlined my processes and created procedures that save literally dozens of hours of work per hear, but I think it's spilling more and more into my personal life. I can't seem to turn it off when I leave the office. It's creating quite a bit of stress between my son and I as I strive for perfection in our home and he just wants to be able to have a livable space. Not really sure as to the solution......

Weight: Not sure, I'm definitely going to have to get a scale.

Physical well being: Not great today. Abdominal pain is a bit of a problem.......

Mental well being: Not the best, still feeling a bit despondent. I've been taking the St John's Wort for a few of days now, not really sure it's helping. I'm still having really dramatic bouts of sobbing, without any warning of course. Luckily, most of that happens when I'm by myself, in my car or before I fall asleep at night. It seems to happen while I'm asleep as well though. Several times now my tears have leaked into my CPAP mask while I'm asleep and then, when it builds up to a certain point, the machine blows a blast of tears down my throat, waking me up, certain I'm drowning in the ocean. That's by far my least favorite part of this whole grieving process. I wonder if I'll ever get used to Shelby being gone from my life.

Sleep: Not enough again last night. The nightmares are really a problem.

Food: Blew it a lot today. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say, there were a lot of bad choices food-wise and portion-wise as well.

Exercise: Blew it on exercise today. Took small comfort in using my yoga ball while watching Chuck (yes, I watched 3 episodes in a row and I'm not at all sorry! :)

Housework: I've managed to keep up on my laundry. Still making slow progress bringing the rest of the house in order. Didn't do much today, I'm so very exhausted from the lack of sleep.

Relationship with God: I am focusing on trying to hear the 'still, small, voice' I've heard so much about. Not sure if I'm on track with that or not.

Bible Study: Totally didn't do it today, it's probably not very helpful to skip that....

General Thoughts: Trying very hard to rejoice in the small victories in my life, also trying not to take to heart the failures/defeats. Feeling very lost, confused, defeated, etc. Probably mostly due to lack of sleep, but maybe not.... Hard to say.

More when I can!

~Jess

Oh, how does one manage.......

Ok, so I really think I'm a great employee. I work hard, I try to make sure our clients needs are met with precision, warmth and excellence. I devote a ridiculous amount of my personal time brainstorming how to increase my on-the-job efficiency, how to streamline and perfect our processes for every aspect of what I do. I try to communicate thoroughly and effectively with my co-workers and clients all the while presenting my cheerful, helpful and dependable self. There are times though, when I doubt my ability to play nicely with others. There are a couple of clients that are a real challenge to deal with, but when it really boils down to it, as long as I'm really thorough and controlling of the situation, things usually go ok. Also, I only have to deal with them a couple of times per month, that gives me time to refill my tolerance and patience tanks before dealing with them again.

It is a bit different though with my co-workers, I deal with them every day. For the most part, it's fine, most of my co-workers are brilliant, dedicated, hardworking and open to improving our processes where needed. There are a couple though that are very challenging to deal with. I'm just praying and praying for patience and wisdom on how to deal with them. It's excruciating though, having to talk to the boss about ridiculous things because my co-workers can't be at all reasonable. Talking to my boss is one of my most dreaded moments.... it's silly really. He's nice, listens well and seems to really be open to ideas about resolving conflicts. Yet there I stand, panicing, with sweaty palms, heart racing, cheeks flaming red. It's awful. I lose all my eloquence, I have a terrible time expressing what I'm trying to say, it's basically a nightmare. Oh, how I wish I could just deal with my co-workers, get things resolved and not ever have to go in to my boss' office again.... Oh, well, as my mom would say, 'you're in the wishful thinking department again, good luck' :)

Weight: Not sure, I'll try to remember to weigh myself at the gym tonight.... maybe I should get a scale if I'm really going to try to track that.......... ;)

Physical well being: Not too bad today. A little sore from exercising, that's good though, means I'm keeping my promise to myself about that.......

Mental well being: Not the best, feeling a bit despondent. I've been taking the St John's Wort for a couple of days now, hopefully I'll begin to see results from that soon.

Sleep: Not enough again last night. Mostly nightmares to blame, recurring ones about creditors coming to my house and taking everything, including my kid and my dog. I've forgotten what it feels like to sleep and dream of good things....

Food: I've been right on track lately, eating lots of fresh veggies (raw and cooked), not a lot of meats. Whole grain pastas, crackers and breads (small amounts of all those things). I've also cut down on my dairy, mostly now only really having a bit in my kefir and fruit smoothies (both home-made, and both delicious!)

Exercise: Trying to exercise every day. Mostly succeeding. I am alternating between hitting the gym and taking Zeus (my giant dog) on long walks. I'm also trying to use my yoga ball whenever possible for sitting on (working my core).

Housework: I've been really working on getting on top things at home. I've totally re-organized my living room and deep-cleaned it. I also started on my kitchen, I'm about 80% done re-organizing it and about 60% done with the deep-cleaning. Once that's done, I'm going to work on the upstairs! I don't know why, but lately, it feels really important to me to have a clean and organized home. Maybe it's because it's something I can control, when most of the difficult parts of my life are so completely out of my hands, it's one thing I can actively do something about.....

Relationship with God: I'm still choosing to talk to Him. It's been a very long time since I've really felt His presence. I'm confused by the struggles I'm seeing in my own life and the lives of others dear to me that He doesn't seem to be intervening in. I'm trying to stay strong and not lose faith, but I feel very lost and confused.

Bible Study: Reading Psalms and Proverbs, at least one chapter of each today. For the first time in a long time, I don't really feel the Word hitting home with me. I don't really know what to think of that........

General Thoughts: So far this project has proven to be a bit of a challenge. Not having a computer at home makes it difficult for me to post more than a couple of times per week. My general malaise makes it hard for me to take the time to post even when I am near a computer. I do still believe that it's at least therapeutic for me to say what I have to say though, so I guess it's not a complete waste of time. I am hopeful that my continuation of better eating habits and a more active lifestyle will start to ease my physical discomfort soon. Well, here's hoping...........

More when I can!

~Jess

How is this my life..........

So, do you ever feel like your life has become a horrible nightmare that you can't ever wake up from? I can't quite figure out how to deal with my reality. Every time I think that something is finally going to get resolved, or something else is no longer going to be a stone around my neck, surprise, I get a bigger stone instead. I'm so tired. I'm drowning and the lifeguard doesn't seem to notice.

I spend my days fantasizing about escaping. Just grabbing my purse and running away from it all. I've even thought out some really elaborate plans on how to keep on the move to escape the crushing debts my ex left me with. It scares me sometimes how much I've thought about it. I found myself in my car the other day scanning my road maps before I realized my car is on it's last legs and probably wouldn't make it out of the valley. I promptly burst into tears. They come pretty easily these days. I believe I'm suffering from depression, again, but I feel a total lack of interest in seeking professional help about it. Mostly because of my financial situation. I can't afford to get help for being depressed. That's the saddest thing.... I am finally going to take some of my Mom's advice though, I'm going to pick up some St. John's Wort. Maybe it will help..........

Weight: 249lbs (good golly, who would have thought? :( )

Physical well being: Tired and sore. Abdominal pain is bad today, but on a happy note, it looks like I finally found some underwear that doesn't make the abdominal pain worse! Yay! I'm buying a ton of them next payday!

Mental well being: Feeling strangely bereft. I feel an aching void in my soul for all the dreams I once had, now broken and lost forever, without the comfort of new dreams to take their place. Is it weird to give up on dreaming of a life that is fuller, more, better, lovely, etc? It seems to me sometimes that it's safer to not dream at all than to dream and have those dreams crushed. I wonder though if it's a mistake to give up on dreaming altogether. Maybe we lose a little of ourselves if we no longer dream of what could be.....

Sleep: Not enough again last night. I truly wonder how long I can keep functioning on little-to-no-sleep....

Food: I was much more responsible today, I had a banana for breakfast, with one lovely cup of coffee. Had a serving of sun-flower seeds and four crackers for mid-morning snack. Had leftover No-Ho's for lunch (mmmmmm) and did indulge in a slice of leftover birthday razzleberry pie. Made a yummy dish with lots of veggies sauteed and put on top of some whole grain, omega3 enriched spiral noodles. I felt so fancy!

Exercise: Hit the gym for the first time in months, felt really amazing and exhilarating, I've missed it. *shock* Then decided to paint until the wee hours of the morning, which doesn't sound like exercise I know, but really is when I do it sitting on my Yoga ball. It works my core the whole time I'm trying to paint. Ah, the satisfaction of taking what I love to do and making it a bit better for me!

Housework: I'm finishing laundry so I don't have to do any more this weekend. I'm going to vacuum the whole upstairs, Annie moved out the last of her belongings last night. I'm also being brave, I'm breaking down Shelby Lynne's Crate and putting it in storage. I'm donating her blankets to our church yard sale. I'm trying not to completely freak out at the finality of it all.

Relationship: None, still, I'm not really sure what the point is of having this section........ maybe I'll axe it until there is something to report. Kiss it goodbye folks, you'll probably never see it again!

Relationship with God: I'm still pretty confused about where God and I stand right now. Mentally, logically, I know certain truths about Him.... He loves his children (me included).... He is all-powerful (but not all-intervening).... He does want a personal relationship with us (though, I don't really feel him around a lot of the time).... We have no idea what his complete plan for us is (hints would be appreciated).... Emotionally though, I wonder why He lets the most horrible things happen to some people over and over again while leaving others pretty much emotional-wreckage-free, why do some people actually get the desires of their hearts, while others see all their desires, hopes and dreams turn to ashes and blow away on the wind or end six feet under.... Why do some people make mistakes and get to move on with with their lives, while others never stop paying dearly for mistakes made.... I know we're in a broken world, but really, it's so hard to feel loved by God when your life has been a miserable vortex of hardship and devastating incidents for so long you don't even remember what it was like to just exist as a person without constant emotional and physical pain....

Bible Study: Reading Psalms and Proverbs, at least one chapter of each today. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to read anything else right now, maybe Ephesians.... sometimes that's just the thing........

General Thoughts: Ok, I'm working on praying for continuation of good things, answered prayers and blessings all around for all my friends and family. I will keep practicing until I no longer have a knot in my stomach every time I do so. Maybe that will finally stop the bitterness from growing...... I'm really hoping to find a cure for that...........

More tomorrow!

~Jess

Who is that?

Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder who is staring back at you? Do you just sigh and think 'who is that sad, fat girl? Why doesn't anyone help her out? She looks like she needs it....'? Or when you see her, do you freak out and have to run to the bathroom because breakfast is coming back up with a vengeance? Those are my two most common reactions to the stranger in the mirror. I actually have taken to draping scarves across the tops of my mirrors. That way I can still check to see if my outfit is passable, without the trauma of realizing that the hideous blob in the mirror is me.

Ok, so her we are, my 35th Birthday, now begins the journey......

I'll start with my basic stats....

Weight: Unknown (I'll weigh myself at the gym tomorrow, horror of horrors)

Physical well being: Better than yesterday, had my neck adjusted this morning (happy birthday to me!) and am now no longer in excruciating pain, just the normal never-ending abdominal pain. My allergies are pretty bad still, wondering if it's a dust thing instead of a flower thing........ also wondering if I'll have to give up wearing contacts, my eyes have been ridiculously itchy and miserable.

Mental well being: I'm trying to just enjoy my birthday without over-analyzing all the things going wrong in my life, it's too overwhelming, I'm pushing it all out of my mind for today.

Sleep: Not enough again last night, I really miss my furry leg-warmer. Will I ever sleep well again?

Food: Too much rich food, too much sugar, can't seem to exercise restraint today...... I really want to go get another free Dutch Bros coffee.......... I need help!

Exercise: Not much today, walking to Subway doesn't really count, eh? I'm going to watch a movie for my birthday instead of working out tonight....

Housework: Not today!!!!

Relationship: None. I'm wondering if my mom is right, if I really have no concept of how to understand the male half of the species. I'm also curious as to if it's a terminal case of cluelessness or if it's curable...... maybe with proper training...... oh well, doesn't matter anyway, no prospects on the horizon..........

Relationship with God: I've decided that I am speaking to Him. I'm trying not to be mad at Him for what happened with Shelby Lynne, it's hard. I'm hoping that someday I'll begin to feel loved by Him again instead of so incredibly picked-on........

Bible Study: Reading Psalms and Proverbs, at least one chapter of each today. Not sure I'll get much more than that in........

General Thoughts: I think my unhappiness is making me a less-kind person. I'm not as generous with others as I used to be, I'm not as empathetic, I'm not as good of a listener, I've been experiencing an alarming level of road-rage and I have found it difficult to genuinely rejoice with my friends when they are blessed. This is not ok with me. I don't like being this person. I will actively work on feeling joy for the blessings bestowed on my friends. I love them, I want them to be happy, I must work on my attitude. OH, WAIT!!!! I did experience jealousy-free joy for Christi yesterday......... something she's always wanted has finally happened for her and for a little while I felt complete joy for her, sans-bitterness..... Hey, maybe I'm already growing as a person...... ;P

That's all for now. I just finished my slice of razzleberry pie and am ready to call it a night........

More tomorrow!

~Jess

Deep breath........ ready.... set.... almost a go!

Ok, so here I am, on the eve of my 35th Birthday, wondering if this is a completely insane undertaking while hoping that it will be an awesome journey. Apparently, I threw my neck out when I was digging Shelby Lynne's grave last week, causing a remarkable amount of pain in my whole body. Well, my birthday present to myself is a trip to the chiropractor first thing tomorrow to get everything back where it belongs. That will start off this year of discovery with a bang. Tomorrow I will make my first official post here. It will include my basic stats, you know, weight, health status, physical well-being, mental stability, etc. Then we'll be off and running, starting a new life, finally, at long last, finding myself.

Life can be hard...

So, today was an incredibly difficult one for me. My little beagle, Shelby Lynne, had been bravely fighting kidney disease for the last six months or so. The last few weeks, she had been having trouble, in and out of the vets office, really struggling. Then, last week, she became really ill. Today, when I got home from work it was so apparent that she was exhausted and in pain. I've never before had to deal with this kind of thing. To have her laying there on the couch, struggling to take each breath. To actually have to make the decision to take her to the vet and put her to sleep, it broke my heart. I was really not prepared for the emotional exhaustion, or the physical exertion. (burying her took us hours)

Lately, it seems as if my life is spiraling downward un-checked, and now I've lost my little companion. I can't make any sense of anything right now. I'm just going to decide not to give up yet. I'll keep trying, putting one foot in front of the other. I'll proceed with this mad plan to document this year of my life. I'll refuse to be de-railed in my mission no matter what life throws at me, no matter what losses I suffer. I will also endeavor to be better, a better mom, a better dog owner (yes Zeus, this means more walks for you!), a better home-maker even though I don't get to be there very much, a better human being. Lord, give me strength, for I have NONE of my own today.

Why on earth am I doing this?

When I found out that I was pregnant at 16 I committed to raising my son and being the best possible mom that I could be. I've failed miserably at times, but through God's grace my son is actually turning out to be a pretty remarkable person, he will be 18 in March and will graduate High School in June. I was never really sure what my life would look like once he was grown and gone. I've always been afraid of what will happen when I only have myself to worry about. Well, I've decided that as a reward to myself for successfully managing to keep him alive and kicking from his first breath to the official start of adult-hood, I'm treating myself to a cruise. That's right, I've always wanted to do it, I always thought I'd go on one for my honeymoon, but it seems that the whole honeymoon thing might not be in the foreseeable future. So, I'm going on my own.

Ok, so here's the deal. My whole life I've tried to be someone people will like, someone men will find beautiful, someone that is worth something. The fact of the matter is, I've never really felt good about myself. Not truly anyway. I've briefly felt loved, usually due to some poor judgment and inappropriate relations with the opposite sex. I've even on occasion felt beautiful, though only briefly and not in recent history really. I've never in my life really felt as though I'm a worthwhile person and worth being loved. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. My family has been a constant source of love for me through the years, but I always felt unworthy of that love. So, as the years have rolled by, as my weight has increased beyond all reason, as my self-esteem has hit an all-time low, as my health and happiness have all but evaporated I've come to a point that I just can't let this go on. I've got to do something.

I'm turning 35 this year, I've decided that I'll be taking my cruise for my 36th birthday. I've given myself one year to get in shape, feel better about myself, and finally start living a meaningful, fulfilling, self-loving, empowered, joyful life. I'll be blogging away, probably not every day (I don't have a computer at home) but at the very least once a week. I'll be posting updates on my physical well being (or health-related disasters), my weight-loss (or gain), my emotional well being (or dis functionality), my relationship with God and my mental stability (or lack there-of). I'll be posting pictures of myself monthly to visually document my metamorphosis (because nobody wants to see that more than once a month, really!:).

So, because I've never before considered that I'm worth putting effort into and I've never before wanted to look and feel better just for me, now it is finally time for me to become my real self and at long last find the true Jess! (Oh, also, I'm dragging my son along with me, I think he should feel better about himself too. ;)