Had a series of the strangest nightmares yet. The first one was, I thought, a really great dream! It's the first time in ages that I had a dream where I had a good life and was truly happy. It was set in a post-apocalyptic world. We had reverted back to farmers/hunters/gatherers/barterers.
In my dream, I was newly married, my husband was strong and capable, loved me and loved working by my side as we worked our land. My friends all had farms nearby and we had a lovely life, full of hard work, but deeply satisfying.
It was so strange.... at one point my husband kissed me, it was so real, that it was hard to believe I was still a dreaming. I had forgotten what it was like to kiss and be kissed. Forgotten the power of it, the way it can set your whole self aflame, the way it can make you melt and give you such passion all at the same time. Oh, to be kissed, I do miss that.
Anyway, at the end of my dream we were ending a hard but beautiful day, I lay down to go to sleep, I rested my head on my husband's shoulder then looked up at him to say good-night........... and saw that he, smiling down at me with such absolute love and warmth, was my ex-husband. I screamed, and woke up crying.
I can't even begin to figure out what that might have meant. I'm not at all sure what was more unsettling, the fact that in my dream life, I'm happily married to my ex, or the fact that the lingering feelings of happiness were so foreign to me that I actually didn't like them.
Has it really been so long since I've been happy that feeling that level of joy is uncomfortable for me? I'm trying to figure out the last time I felt happy for more than a moment. I'll let you know if I can remember a time of happiness. Anyway, there were more nightmares after that, mostly work-related. Not a great night for me.
Weight: Not sure, come on payday, momma needs a scale! :)
Physical well being: Abdominal pain is slightly better today....... I do have a bizarre lump on the back of my head though. It's giving me a terrible headache, hmmmm........ better call mom.
Mental well being: Wondering if the St John's Wort is really going to help, and if so, when? I'm deeply troubled. It's exhausting to be friendly and pleasant all day long at work when all I want to do is cry. I find that I'm withdrawing more and more from my family and friends. That can't be good.
Sleep: Not at all peaceful last night. Refer to nightmares above.
Food: Did ok today, I'm getting back to tracking what I eat at an online site that shows you, when all is said and done, how much you are actually taking in. Sometimes it's really helpful to be able to see it all laid out like that. It also really helps me to make educated decisions about what I'll eat for dinner. I can test things out and it'll tell me when I'm crossing the line fat-or-calorie-wise for what my goal is.
Exercise: Took Zeus on a walk. Not the most vigorous exercise, but better than nothing. Then it was back to my yoga ball for an episode of Ugly Betty. Yes, I have a new show to entertain myself with on DVD. Gotta love Craigslist! :)
Housework: No housework today, I decided to try to get out of hermit-mode and go visit a friend for a while this evening.
Relationship with God: Ah, who knows. I'm so exhausted by trying to function normally I can't even begin to figure out how to have a better relationship with Him.
Bible Study: Promised myself I'll read at least a little before bed tonight, then fell asleep while trying to do so....
General Thoughts: Too tired and too much grief to have much in the way of coherent general thoughts. My heart is sore.
More when I can!
~Jess
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