Hmmmmmm........

Weight: Not sure, apparently I have a really deep fear of possessing a scale. I went to buy one and found every excuse in the book why no scales I looked at would work out for me. So, I'm still scale-free. I'm going to try to buy one again this weekend. *fingers crossed* ;)

Physical well being: I'm having a bit of abdominal discomfort today, not bad pain like usual, but definitely growing worse as I sit at the computer. Hopefully it won't graduate to searing pain by the end of the day. (Look at me, using the word hope! Well, I guess my optimistic side hasn't been totally crushed after all.) It's hard though, I'm having another bad bout of acne, my whole face hurts, but I can't use anything on it or it gets worse. I wonder if I have a food allergy that I'm unaware of....... might be worth investigating....

Mental well being: Not great. But on the good side, I've managed to keep my random bouts of hysterical sobbing contained to the times where I am not around others. That's a major feat. It's really hard not to totally lose it at work. Oh, well, I can't seem to really pull it together, not sure why, not really feeling inspired to delve into the 'why' of it either........

Sleep: Fitful. Had random nightmares, then Zeus got scared and tried to jump into bed with me. Ok, here's the thing, I sleep on a day-bed, it has a trundle that rolls out from under it for Zeus to sleep on, the day-bed itself is tiny and when he tries to get up there with me, it usually ends up with a 125lb missile hitting me in the chest. Feels a little like getting kicked by a horse. Not really good for getting much sleep.........

Food: Did ok today. The Calorie-Counting site I've been using is still being a great help to me. I'm really trying to make my food at home instead of eating out. It's a tough change, but I think in the long run, it'll be worth it... Luckily, it's soup-weather! I make a huge pot of soup on Sunday and eat it for lunch (yes sometimes for dinner too) all week long. That seems to be working pretty well, except that my son hates soup. He won't eat it, so he has been fending for himself for dinner...... that usually means he cooks something totally delectable, and not really healthy. It's hard not to eat what he's making. I sample it, of course, but I stick to lower-calorie, higher veggie content foods for my dinner. Oh, well, I've got to stay strong and resist the yumminess.

Exercise: Took Zeus on a walk. Still trying to make it a daily thing. It's hard though, I 'm so tired after work that all I want to do is crash. I also sat on my yoga ball for a couple of hours. That might not sound like much, but it really does work the core, yay!

Housework: Ok, pathetically enough, I still can't face cleaning my upstairs bathroom. So the little home-maker inside me has been screaming at me for days. I usually tell her to shut up, after all, I am a working girl. I can't be expected to keep the house as clean as it was when I was a full-time home-maker. Instead, I decided to mollify her by going thorough ALL my paperwork. That's right, I paid bills, filed receipts, recycled junk-mail, etc. My kitchen table and butcher's block are sans-paper stacks for the first time in ages! Go me! Sometimes I really miss having a home office....... it would be so much easier to be able to file and sort as I go along....... oh well..........

Relationship with God: Not great. I realized I'm really mad at Him. Not for what you might think though, not for anything that's happened to me. I know that he could have stopped any or all of the bad things in my life from happening to me, but I'm not mad that He didn't stop them. The fact of the matter is, my life hasn't been so terrible. Sure, I've been through some really tough things, but come on, who hasn't? There are people all over the world who suffer on a daily basis way more than I ever have. So why am I mad at Him? Well, it's pretty simple really, it seems that I'm quite broken inside. Yep, that's it. I've prayed and prayed about it, but I've not healed and become whole. That's what really steams me. Sounds silly, doesn't it?

The thing is, I'm unhappy. Deeply, devastatingly unhappy. It can't really be because of my circumstances. There are people who have terrible circumstances and manage to be happy, but not me, nope, not me. I'm not happy no matter what my circumstances are. Even when things go well, which they occasionally do, I'm not happy.

So, why the unhappiness? I really think it's because I have no self esteem. I really, truly, deeply feel that I'm not worth anything. Nothing that I've said and done, or that others have said and done has ever changed that. I want to feel that I have value. I want to feel that I'm worthy of being loved. But I don't. Never have. It's hard for me when people in my life tell me that they love me or that I'm important to them. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't seem possible that they could really care about me. That's what makes me really mad at God. He could fix me, He could make whatever is so broken in me totally healed, but He doesn't. Not only does He not stop bad things from happening to me, but He also won't heal me. He could, I know He could, but He won't. I really think that's why I don't trust Him. All the stress and disasters and pain in my life would at least be somewhat tolerable if I felt a little loved, a little valued, worth a little something. But, no. None of that for me. I don't get it. It's not something that I can fix. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Bible Study: It's really hard to read the bible when I'm having such deep emotional problems in regards to God.... I can't even look at it without feeling a bit sick to my stomach...... that can't be good.

General Thoughts: I am deeply distressed. Not sure how to proceed. Very discouraged. Not sure how to carry on. A dear friend told me the other day that she has complete faith in me, that I've overcome so much in my life that she's certain I'll get through this too. I wish I had half of her conviction, or even a quarter would be nice.

More when I can!

~Jess