Identity Chrisis!

Weight: Not sure, payday is tomorrow though, so finally, I'll have a scale! :)

Physical well being: Abdominal pain is not too bad today....... a little sore in the butt and tummy...... that's awesome though, that means my nightly walks with Zeus are starting to do something!

Mental well being: Feeling kinda fractured..... On the one hand, it's not as hard as it was last week to be nice to people, bonus! On the other hand, my random bouts of hysterical sobbing seem to be increasing. Hmmmm......... this could be a problem.

Sleep: Not at all peaceful last night. I seem to be having a resurgence of inappropriate dreams. I haven't had them in a while, then all of a sudden, they were back in force. The last few nights have been particularly steamy, I can't figure out which part is more unsettling..... The fact that I have such dreams about people I actually know and that are so realistic that I could swear I've seen my guy friends naked? Or the fact that it gets me so worked up that I'm this walking ball of sexual tension that has absolutely no outlet? I started worrying about this in earnest yesterday as I found myself slowing down as if to pick up a hitchhiker. I caught myself in time........ no temporary tension-relievers for me! Go willpower!

Food: Did ok today. The Calorie-Counting site I've been using is totally helping me get a better grasp of what I'm really consuming daily. It also helps me see what little changes I can make here and there that are really helping me to nourish my body better without over-doing it volume-wise. You might give it a try, it's called Spark People, here's a link http://www.sparkpeople.com

Exercise: Took Zeus on a walk. Trying to make it a daily thing. He's so bored all day without Shelby Lynne. I came home yesterday and he had unloaded an entire bookshelf. He didn't tear anything up, just pulled it all off the shelf and placed it neatly in front of the case. It was bizarre. Hopefully more walks in the evening will encourage him to leave my books alone during the day.

Housework: Finally really deep-cleaned my downstairs bathroom. Next, the upstairs one! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! :)

Relationship with God: Um, apparently not great. I had the disturbing realization last night that I really don't trust Him. Really really don't. I realized that I pray to Him for other people, and totally believe that He'll answer my prayers for them. I pray nightly for my son and my dog, believing that He'll look out for them. But when it comes to me, it's like I've hit a stone wall. I don't believe in my heart of hearts that I can trust Him as far as my life goes. That's why I work so hard on bringing my life under my control, I don't trust that He'll come through for me. It makes me so sad. I want to learn to trust Him again. I've been trying to put my trust in Him for quite a while now, but apparently, it's not sticking. I don't know what to do. Others have advised me to just trust Him. That's so easy to say, but I really don't know how.

Here's a recent and heartbreaking example.... My little snaussage dog Shelby Lynne.... she was dying slowly of Kidney Disease. She was in her last days. She was just so tired and in so much pain I couldn't take it anymore. I was really afraid that she'd go when I wasn't there with her. So, instead of trusting in God's timing and letting her pass naturally, I took her into the vet and had her put to sleep.

I only just now realized that I did it out of a lack of trust in God. I didn't believe that He'd be so kind to me to have me there when He took her, so I took it into my own hands and ended her sweet little life, on my terms, at the vet's office.

I can't express to you the guilt I've been suffering ever since. I can't tell you how broken I feel inside as I realize how deep my mistrust for God goes. I don't trust in Him to bring any good into my life. I don't trust that He'll bring me a good husband, more children, a home of my own, etc. Or if he ever does, I don't trust that He won't take it all away again. I can't believe that He really loves me. He's the only one in the whole world that knows me completely, He's also the only one in the whole world who could have prevented tragedies in my life and didn't. I don't feel love from Him. I don't feel like I can trust him. I don't know how to fix it and I don't trust Him to fix it. I have no idea what to do.

Bible Study: It's really hard to read the bible when I'm having such deep emotional problems in regards to God....

General Thoughts: I have no idea how to move forward, I feel like I am starting to get a little tiny grip on my physical well-being, but that won't go far or last long unless I can really pull it together on the mental and emotional side. I'm afraid that I'm too damaged and scared to actually ever really get better. I'm terrified that whatever it was that went horribly wrong in my grandma and great-grandma is going wrong in me. I don't know how to hold onto myself. I don't know if I can get it together, and frankly, I'm exhausted from trying. I wish I could give it over to God....... I wish I could lay it all at His feet and be unburdened from it all...... I know that He's delivered so many many people........ I just wish I could believe that He'd come through for me.

More when I can!

~Jess