So, do you ever feel like your life has become a horrible nightmare that you can't ever wake up from? I can't quite figure out how to deal with my reality. Every time I think that something is finally going to get resolved, or something else is no longer going to be a stone around my neck, surprise, I get a bigger stone instead. I'm so tired. I'm drowning and the lifeguard doesn't seem to notice.
I spend my days fantasizing about escaping. Just grabbing my purse and running away from it all. I've even thought out some really elaborate plans on how to keep on the move to escape the crushing debts my ex left me with. It scares me sometimes how much I've thought about it. I found myself in my car the other day scanning my road maps before I realized my car is on it's last legs and probably wouldn't make it out of the valley. I promptly burst into tears. They come pretty easily these days. I believe I'm suffering from depression, again, but I feel a total lack of interest in seeking professional help about it. Mostly because of my financial situation. I can't afford to get help for being depressed. That's the saddest thing.... I am finally going to take some of my Mom's advice though, I'm going to pick up some St. John's Wort. Maybe it will help..........
Weight: 249lbs (good golly, who would have thought? :( )
Physical well being: Tired and sore. Abdominal pain is bad today, but on a happy note, it looks like I finally found some underwear that doesn't make the abdominal pain worse! Yay! I'm buying a ton of them next payday!
Mental well being: Feeling strangely bereft. I feel an aching void in my soul for all the dreams I once had, now broken and lost forever, without the comfort of new dreams to take their place. Is it weird to give up on dreaming of a life that is fuller, more, better, lovely, etc? It seems to me sometimes that it's safer to not dream at all than to dream and have those dreams crushed. I wonder though if it's a mistake to give up on dreaming altogether. Maybe we lose a little of ourselves if we no longer dream of what could be.....
Sleep: Not enough again last night. I truly wonder how long I can keep functioning on little-to-no-sleep....
Food: I was much more responsible today, I had a banana for breakfast, with one lovely cup of coffee. Had a serving of sun-flower seeds and four crackers for mid-morning snack. Had leftover No-Ho's for lunch (mmmmmm) and did indulge in a slice of leftover birthday razzleberry pie. Made a yummy dish with lots of veggies sauteed and put on top of some whole grain, omega3 enriched spiral noodles. I felt so fancy!
Exercise: Hit the gym for the first time in months, felt really amazing and exhilarating, I've missed it. *shock* Then decided to paint until the wee hours of the morning, which doesn't sound like exercise I know, but really is when I do it sitting on my Yoga ball. It works my core the whole time I'm trying to paint. Ah, the satisfaction of taking what I love to do and making it a bit better for me!
Housework: I'm finishing laundry so I don't have to do any more this weekend. I'm going to vacuum the whole upstairs, Annie moved out the last of her belongings last night. I'm also being brave, I'm breaking down Shelby Lynne's Crate and putting it in storage. I'm donating her blankets to our church yard sale. I'm trying not to completely freak out at the finality of it all.
Relationship: None, still, I'm not really sure what the point is of having this section........ maybe I'll axe it until there is something to report. Kiss it goodbye folks, you'll probably never see it again!
Relationship with God: I'm still pretty confused about where God and I stand right now. Mentally, logically, I know certain truths about Him.... He loves his children (me included).... He is all-powerful (but not all-intervening).... He does want a personal relationship with us (though, I don't really feel him around a lot of the time).... We have no idea what his complete plan for us is (hints would be appreciated).... Emotionally though, I wonder why He lets the most horrible things happen to some people over and over again while leaving others pretty much emotional-wreckage-free, why do some people actually get the desires of their hearts, while others see all their desires, hopes and dreams turn to ashes and blow away on the wind or end six feet under.... Why do some people make mistakes and get to move on with with their lives, while others never stop paying dearly for mistakes made.... I know we're in a broken world, but really, it's so hard to feel loved by God when your life has been a miserable vortex of hardship and devastating incidents for so long you don't even remember what it was like to just exist as a person without constant emotional and physical pain....
Bible Study: Reading Psalms and Proverbs, at least one chapter of each today. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to read anything else right now, maybe Ephesians.... sometimes that's just the thing........
General Thoughts: Ok, I'm working on praying for continuation of good things, answered prayers and blessings all around for all my friends and family. I will keep practicing until I no longer have a knot in my stomach every time I do so. Maybe that will finally stop the bitterness from growing...... I'm really hoping to find a cure for that...........
More tomorrow!
~Jess
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