Why on earth am I doing this?

When I found out that I was pregnant at 16 I committed to raising my son and being the best possible mom that I could be. I've failed miserably at times, but through God's grace my son is actually turning out to be a pretty remarkable person, he will be 18 in March and will graduate High School in June. I was never really sure what my life would look like once he was grown and gone. I've always been afraid of what will happen when I only have myself to worry about. Well, I've decided that as a reward to myself for successfully managing to keep him alive and kicking from his first breath to the official start of adult-hood, I'm treating myself to a cruise. That's right, I've always wanted to do it, I always thought I'd go on one for my honeymoon, but it seems that the whole honeymoon thing might not be in the foreseeable future. So, I'm going on my own.

Ok, so here's the deal. My whole life I've tried to be someone people will like, someone men will find beautiful, someone that is worth something. The fact of the matter is, I've never really felt good about myself. Not truly anyway. I've briefly felt loved, usually due to some poor judgment and inappropriate relations with the opposite sex. I've even on occasion felt beautiful, though only briefly and not in recent history really. I've never in my life really felt as though I'm a worthwhile person and worth being loved. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. My family has been a constant source of love for me through the years, but I always felt unworthy of that love. So, as the years have rolled by, as my weight has increased beyond all reason, as my self-esteem has hit an all-time low, as my health and happiness have all but evaporated I've come to a point that I just can't let this go on. I've got to do something.

I'm turning 35 this year, I've decided that I'll be taking my cruise for my 36th birthday. I've given myself one year to get in shape, feel better about myself, and finally start living a meaningful, fulfilling, self-loving, empowered, joyful life. I'll be blogging away, probably not every day (I don't have a computer at home) but at the very least once a week. I'll be posting updates on my physical well being (or health-related disasters), my weight-loss (or gain), my emotional well being (or dis functionality), my relationship with God and my mental stability (or lack there-of). I'll be posting pictures of myself monthly to visually document my metamorphosis (because nobody wants to see that more than once a month, really!:).

So, because I've never before considered that I'm worth putting effort into and I've never before wanted to look and feel better just for me, now it is finally time for me to become my real self and at long last find the true Jess! (Oh, also, I'm dragging my son along with me, I think he should feel better about himself too. ;)