So, I've been having a bit of trouble lately with some pretty distressing nightmares. Most of which are based on things being missing or broken or stolen from my home. Had a terrible one last night that my colored pencil case was lost. After a terrible night's sleep, I found I couldn't leave for work this morning until I had located it. I was totally freaked out, panicking, convinced it was gone. I found it, tucked away on the shelf next to the one that it usually lives on.
Here's the thing, I realized that every night, on my way to my bed room, I glance around my living room. I really think that my sub-conscious registers when things are not where I expect them to be and then messes with me all night, even though I'm not even consciously aware of seeing anything amiss.
Here's the weirder part, I've looked over my dream-log, yes I keep a log, and this has just started happening since Annie moved out. I'm wondering if the previous state of general disorganization in my living room had prevented me from being too neurotic about it all. Maybe, now that she's not there, I'm starting to revert to what my son refers to as the 'House Nazi'. Where I really have to have everything just so.
More and more, my peace of mind seems to be affected by the order (or dis-order) that surrounds me. I find that it's a constant struggle for me to not completely give in to the crazy version of myself. You see, I've always had tendencies toward OCD. Mostly, I've managed to keep it in check. It seems though, my current job, with it's need for complete accuracy and intensive attention to detail, has really been feeding my OCD tendencies. Not only has it been very helpful in my work, I've streamlined my processes and created procedures that save literally dozens of hours of work per hear, but I think it's spilling more and more into my personal life. I can't seem to turn it off when I leave the office. It's creating quite a bit of stress between my son and I as I strive for perfection in our home and he just wants to be able to have a livable space. Not really sure as to the solution......
Weight: Not sure, I'm definitely going to have to get a scale.
Physical well being: Not great today. Abdominal pain is a bit of a problem.......
Mental well being: Not the best, still feeling a bit despondent. I've been taking the St John's Wort for a few of days now, not really sure it's helping. I'm still having really dramatic bouts of sobbing, without any warning of course. Luckily, most of that happens when I'm by myself, in my car or before I fall asleep at night. It seems to happen while I'm asleep as well though. Several times now my tears have leaked into my CPAP mask while I'm asleep and then, when it builds up to a certain point, the machine blows a blast of tears down my throat, waking me up, certain I'm drowning in the ocean. That's by far my least favorite part of this whole grieving process. I wonder if I'll ever get used to Shelby being gone from my life.
Sleep: Not enough again last night. The nightmares are really a problem.
Food: Blew it a lot today. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say, there were a lot of bad choices food-wise and portion-wise as well.
Exercise: Blew it on exercise today. Took small comfort in using my yoga ball while watching Chuck (yes, I watched 3 episodes in a row and I'm not at all sorry! :)
Housework: I've managed to keep up on my laundry. Still making slow progress bringing the rest of the house in order. Didn't do much today, I'm so very exhausted from the lack of sleep.
Relationship with God: I am focusing on trying to hear the 'still, small, voice' I've heard so much about. Not sure if I'm on track with that or not.
Bible Study: Totally didn't do it today, it's probably not very helpful to skip that....
General Thoughts: Trying very hard to rejoice in the small victories in my life, also trying not to take to heart the failures/defeats. Feeling very lost, confused, defeated, etc. Probably mostly due to lack of sleep, but maybe not.... Hard to say.
More when I can!
~Jess
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