I only just really realized last night that the kind of man I want wouldn't want the kind of woman I have become. Such a lonely and yet strangely comforting thought.
I am terrified to become the woman I know I'm meant to be because I can't imagine the reality of being with the man I want, the possibility of having more kids, a home of my own, etc. I am overwhelmed by the thought of having that much joy in my life because then I'll have so very much more to lose. I'm afraid that if all my dreams come true, and then I lose it all again, I might not survive it.
So I neglect to do what I know I should do to move forward in my life. I 'forget' to send out paperwork that would fix my credit (no house for me). I make a complete idiot out of myself around any eligible man that comes within a hundred feet of me (no husband/more kids for me).
To further protect myself, I eat. I do make better choices these days as far as what I eat, but I still eat way too much. I eat out of boredom, anxiety, need for comfort, etc. I was actually exercising a whole lot earlier this year, but once people started commenting on how good I was looking, all of a sudden I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym. You see, being overweight is my shield. It's the perfect blame-all. For example:
~Why am I not married? I'm fat.
~Why don't I have more kids? Too many health issues with being overweight.
~Why don't I go out more? None of my clothes fit.
~Why do I feel terrible all the time? Slow death by flubber.
~Why are you eating that? What does it matter, my butt is only getting bigger anyway....
I am terrified of what would happen if I actually lost the weight. Who would I be? How would I feel? What would stop good things from happening to me? What would I blame then for my troubles? So, here I sit, in my fat-suit, way too scared to take it off. Even with this whole blogging thing, as I am really forcing myself to exercise, my heart is not in it. There is a lovely woman inside of me, crying to get out, while at the same time busily building brick walls to keep herself trapped inside. I don't know how to change this. I don't know how to get past the fear.
I think I've lost too much, I don't know if I can ever really let myself be vulnerable again. They say it's better to have and lost than to never have loved at all. I'm not convinced that is at all true. Maybe I'll never experience all life has to offer if I don't open myself up to it all, but I also will not experience the devastating losses either, I'm really starting to wonder if I'm ok with that. As I watch my friend go through the loss of her husband, I have to consider if it's worth it....... in all probability, and there are lots of statistics to back me up here, unless I marry a man significantly younger than me, I'll most likely out-live him. Do I want to experience that? I just lost my dog and I can barely function, what on earth would I do if I truly loved a man and he died on me.
Who am I? What am I doing? Why do I let the fear hold me back? What a chicken-shit I've become....
Weight: Not sure, putting a scale on my list for Wal-Mart.
Physical well being: Not great today. Abdominal pain is really bad today.......
Mental well being: Confused, trying to understand the why's of life, pretty convinced that I'll never really get it.
Sleep: Not enough again last night. Mostly due to the fact that I cried so much before bed that I was all congested and plugged up so I couldn't sleep with my mask on at all. This, of course, led to a night of terrible snoring and no deep sleep at all. Stupid sleep apnea!
Food: Did ok today, lots of veggies and a fair amount of protein. Really trying to keep track of my portions.
Exercise: Blew it on exercise today. Took small comfort in using my yoga ball while watching Scrubs (yes, I watched 7 episodes in a row and I'm not at all sorry! :)
Housework: Almost have my kitchen totally over-hauled, need to get bathrooms in order........Oops! Laundry is starting to get away from me again!
Relationship with God: Still not sure I'm hearing Him at all.... Still trying though.
Bible Study: Totally didn't do it today, must make that more of a priority.
General Thoughts: Too tired and too much grief to have much in the way of coherent general thoughts. My heart is sore.
More when I can!
~Jess
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