Hmmmmmm........

Weight: Not sure, apparently I have a really deep fear of possessing a scale. I went to buy one and found every excuse in the book why no scales I looked at would work out for me. So, I'm still scale-free. I'm going to try to buy one again this weekend. *fingers crossed* ;)

Physical well being: I'm having a bit of abdominal discomfort today, not bad pain like usual, but definitely growing worse as I sit at the computer. Hopefully it won't graduate to searing pain by the end of the day. (Look at me, using the word hope! Well, I guess my optimistic side hasn't been totally crushed after all.) It's hard though, I'm having another bad bout of acne, my whole face hurts, but I can't use anything on it or it gets worse. I wonder if I have a food allergy that I'm unaware of....... might be worth investigating....

Mental well being: Not great. But on the good side, I've managed to keep my random bouts of hysterical sobbing contained to the times where I am not around others. That's a major feat. It's really hard not to totally lose it at work. Oh, well, I can't seem to really pull it together, not sure why, not really feeling inspired to delve into the 'why' of it either........

Sleep: Fitful. Had random nightmares, then Zeus got scared and tried to jump into bed with me. Ok, here's the thing, I sleep on a day-bed, it has a trundle that rolls out from under it for Zeus to sleep on, the day-bed itself is tiny and when he tries to get up there with me, it usually ends up with a 125lb missile hitting me in the chest. Feels a little like getting kicked by a horse. Not really good for getting much sleep.........

Food: Did ok today. The Calorie-Counting site I've been using is still being a great help to me. I'm really trying to make my food at home instead of eating out. It's a tough change, but I think in the long run, it'll be worth it... Luckily, it's soup-weather! I make a huge pot of soup on Sunday and eat it for lunch (yes sometimes for dinner too) all week long. That seems to be working pretty well, except that my son hates soup. He won't eat it, so he has been fending for himself for dinner...... that usually means he cooks something totally delectable, and not really healthy. It's hard not to eat what he's making. I sample it, of course, but I stick to lower-calorie, higher veggie content foods for my dinner. Oh, well, I've got to stay strong and resist the yumminess.

Exercise: Took Zeus on a walk. Still trying to make it a daily thing. It's hard though, I 'm so tired after work that all I want to do is crash. I also sat on my yoga ball for a couple of hours. That might not sound like much, but it really does work the core, yay!

Housework: Ok, pathetically enough, I still can't face cleaning my upstairs bathroom. So the little home-maker inside me has been screaming at me for days. I usually tell her to shut up, after all, I am a working girl. I can't be expected to keep the house as clean as it was when I was a full-time home-maker. Instead, I decided to mollify her by going thorough ALL my paperwork. That's right, I paid bills, filed receipts, recycled junk-mail, etc. My kitchen table and butcher's block are sans-paper stacks for the first time in ages! Go me! Sometimes I really miss having a home office....... it would be so much easier to be able to file and sort as I go along....... oh well..........

Relationship with God: Not great. I realized I'm really mad at Him. Not for what you might think though, not for anything that's happened to me. I know that he could have stopped any or all of the bad things in my life from happening to me, but I'm not mad that He didn't stop them. The fact of the matter is, my life hasn't been so terrible. Sure, I've been through some really tough things, but come on, who hasn't? There are people all over the world who suffer on a daily basis way more than I ever have. So why am I mad at Him? Well, it's pretty simple really, it seems that I'm quite broken inside. Yep, that's it. I've prayed and prayed about it, but I've not healed and become whole. That's what really steams me. Sounds silly, doesn't it?

The thing is, I'm unhappy. Deeply, devastatingly unhappy. It can't really be because of my circumstances. There are people who have terrible circumstances and manage to be happy, but not me, nope, not me. I'm not happy no matter what my circumstances are. Even when things go well, which they occasionally do, I'm not happy.

So, why the unhappiness? I really think it's because I have no self esteem. I really, truly, deeply feel that I'm not worth anything. Nothing that I've said and done, or that others have said and done has ever changed that. I want to feel that I have value. I want to feel that I'm worthy of being loved. But I don't. Never have. It's hard for me when people in my life tell me that they love me or that I'm important to them. It doesn't feel real. It doesn't seem possible that they could really care about me. That's what makes me really mad at God. He could fix me, He could make whatever is so broken in me totally healed, but He doesn't. Not only does He not stop bad things from happening to me, but He also won't heal me. He could, I know He could, but He won't. I really think that's why I don't trust Him. All the stress and disasters and pain in my life would at least be somewhat tolerable if I felt a little loved, a little valued, worth a little something. But, no. None of that for me. I don't get it. It's not something that I can fix. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Bible Study: It's really hard to read the bible when I'm having such deep emotional problems in regards to God.... I can't even look at it without feeling a bit sick to my stomach...... that can't be good.

General Thoughts: I am deeply distressed. Not sure how to proceed. Very discouraged. Not sure how to carry on. A dear friend told me the other day that she has complete faith in me, that I've overcome so much in my life that she's certain I'll get through this too. I wish I had half of her conviction, or even a quarter would be nice.

More when I can!

~Jess

Identity Chrisis!

Weight: Not sure, payday is tomorrow though, so finally, I'll have a scale! :)

Physical well being: Abdominal pain is not too bad today....... a little sore in the butt and tummy...... that's awesome though, that means my nightly walks with Zeus are starting to do something!

Mental well being: Feeling kinda fractured..... On the one hand, it's not as hard as it was last week to be nice to people, bonus! On the other hand, my random bouts of hysterical sobbing seem to be increasing. Hmmmm......... this could be a problem.

Sleep: Not at all peaceful last night. I seem to be having a resurgence of inappropriate dreams. I haven't had them in a while, then all of a sudden, they were back in force. The last few nights have been particularly steamy, I can't figure out which part is more unsettling..... The fact that I have such dreams about people I actually know and that are so realistic that I could swear I've seen my guy friends naked? Or the fact that it gets me so worked up that I'm this walking ball of sexual tension that has absolutely no outlet? I started worrying about this in earnest yesterday as I found myself slowing down as if to pick up a hitchhiker. I caught myself in time........ no temporary tension-relievers for me! Go willpower!

Food: Did ok today. The Calorie-Counting site I've been using is totally helping me get a better grasp of what I'm really consuming daily. It also helps me see what little changes I can make here and there that are really helping me to nourish my body better without over-doing it volume-wise. You might give it a try, it's called Spark People, here's a link http://www.sparkpeople.com

Exercise: Took Zeus on a walk. Trying to make it a daily thing. He's so bored all day without Shelby Lynne. I came home yesterday and he had unloaded an entire bookshelf. He didn't tear anything up, just pulled it all off the shelf and placed it neatly in front of the case. It was bizarre. Hopefully more walks in the evening will encourage him to leave my books alone during the day.

Housework: Finally really deep-cleaned my downstairs bathroom. Next, the upstairs one! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! :)

Relationship with God: Um, apparently not great. I had the disturbing realization last night that I really don't trust Him. Really really don't. I realized that I pray to Him for other people, and totally believe that He'll answer my prayers for them. I pray nightly for my son and my dog, believing that He'll look out for them. But when it comes to me, it's like I've hit a stone wall. I don't believe in my heart of hearts that I can trust Him as far as my life goes. That's why I work so hard on bringing my life under my control, I don't trust that He'll come through for me. It makes me so sad. I want to learn to trust Him again. I've been trying to put my trust in Him for quite a while now, but apparently, it's not sticking. I don't know what to do. Others have advised me to just trust Him. That's so easy to say, but I really don't know how.

Here's a recent and heartbreaking example.... My little snaussage dog Shelby Lynne.... she was dying slowly of Kidney Disease. She was in her last days. She was just so tired and in so much pain I couldn't take it anymore. I was really afraid that she'd go when I wasn't there with her. So, instead of trusting in God's timing and letting her pass naturally, I took her into the vet and had her put to sleep.

I only just now realized that I did it out of a lack of trust in God. I didn't believe that He'd be so kind to me to have me there when He took her, so I took it into my own hands and ended her sweet little life, on my terms, at the vet's office.

I can't express to you the guilt I've been suffering ever since. I can't tell you how broken I feel inside as I realize how deep my mistrust for God goes. I don't trust in Him to bring any good into my life. I don't trust that He'll bring me a good husband, more children, a home of my own, etc. Or if he ever does, I don't trust that He won't take it all away again. I can't believe that He really loves me. He's the only one in the whole world that knows me completely, He's also the only one in the whole world who could have prevented tragedies in my life and didn't. I don't feel love from Him. I don't feel like I can trust him. I don't know how to fix it and I don't trust Him to fix it. I have no idea what to do.

Bible Study: It's really hard to read the bible when I'm having such deep emotional problems in regards to God....

General Thoughts: I have no idea how to move forward, I feel like I am starting to get a little tiny grip on my physical well-being, but that won't go far or last long unless I can really pull it together on the mental and emotional side. I'm afraid that I'm too damaged and scared to actually ever really get better. I'm terrified that whatever it was that went horribly wrong in my grandma and great-grandma is going wrong in me. I don't know how to hold onto myself. I don't know if I can get it together, and frankly, I'm exhausted from trying. I wish I could give it over to God....... I wish I could lay it all at His feet and be unburdened from it all...... I know that He's delivered so many many people........ I just wish I could believe that He'd come through for me.

More when I can!

~Jess

Starting to dread bed-time....

Had a series of the strangest nightmares yet. The first one was, I thought, a really great dream! It's the first time in ages that I had a dream where I had a good life and was truly happy. It was set in a post-apocalyptic world. We had reverted back to farmers/hunters/gatherers/barterers.

In my dream, I was newly married, my husband was strong and capable, loved me and loved working by my side as we worked our land. My friends all had farms nearby and we had a lovely life, full of hard work, but deeply satisfying.

It was so strange.... at one point my husband kissed me, it was so real, that it was hard to believe I was still a dreaming. I had forgotten what it was like to kiss and be kissed. Forgotten the power of it, the way it can set your whole self aflame, the way it can make you melt and give you such passion all at the same time. Oh, to be kissed, I do miss that.

Anyway, at the end of my dream we were ending a hard but beautiful day, I lay down to go to sleep, I rested my head on my husband's shoulder then looked up at him to say good-night........... and saw that he, smiling down at me with such absolute love and warmth, was my ex-husband. I screamed, and woke up crying.

I can't even begin to figure out what that might have meant. I'm not at all sure what was more unsettling, the fact that in my dream life, I'm happily married to my ex, or the fact that the lingering feelings of happiness were so foreign to me that I actually didn't like them.

Has it really been so long since I've been happy that feeling that level of joy is uncomfortable for me? I'm trying to figure out the last time I felt happy for more than a moment. I'll let you know if I can remember a time of happiness. Anyway, there were more nightmares after that, mostly work-related. Not a great night for me.

Weight: Not sure, come on payday, momma needs a scale! :)

Physical well being: Abdominal pain is slightly better today....... I do have a bizarre lump on the back of my head though. It's giving me a terrible headache, hmmmm........ better call mom.

Mental well being: Wondering if the St John's Wort is really going to help, and if so, when? I'm deeply troubled. It's exhausting to be friendly and pleasant all day long at work when all I want to do is cry. I find that I'm withdrawing more and more from my family and friends. That can't be good.

Sleep: Not at all peaceful last night. Refer to nightmares above.

Food: Did ok today, I'm getting back to tracking what I eat at an online site that shows you, when all is said and done, how much you are actually taking in. Sometimes it's really helpful to be able to see it all laid out like that. It also really helps me to make educated decisions about what I'll eat for dinner. I can test things out and it'll tell me when I'm crossing the line fat-or-calorie-wise for what my goal is.

Exercise: Took Zeus on a walk. Not the most vigorous exercise, but better than nothing. Then it was back to my yoga ball for an episode of Ugly Betty. Yes, I have a new show to entertain myself with on DVD. Gotta love Craigslist! :)

Housework: No housework today, I decided to try to get out of hermit-mode and go visit a friend for a while this evening.

Relationship with God: Ah, who knows. I'm so exhausted by trying to function normally I can't even begin to figure out how to have a better relationship with Him.

Bible Study: Promised myself I'll read at least a little before bed tonight, then fell asleep while trying to do so....

General Thoughts: Too tired and too much grief to have much in the way of coherent general thoughts. My heart is sore.

More when I can!

~Jess

Strange realizations....

I only just really realized last night that the kind of man I want wouldn't want the kind of woman I have become. Such a lonely and yet strangely comforting thought.

I am terrified to become the woman I know I'm meant to be because I can't imagine the reality of being with the man I want, the possibility of having more kids, a home of my own, etc. I am overwhelmed by the thought of having that much joy in my life because then I'll have so very much more to lose. I'm afraid that if all my dreams come true, and then I lose it all again, I might not survive it.

So I neglect to do what I know I should do to move forward in my life. I 'forget' to send out paperwork that would fix my credit (no house for me). I make a complete idiot out of myself around any eligible man that comes within a hundred feet of me (no husband/more kids for me).

To further protect myself, I eat. I do make better choices these days as far as what I eat, but I still eat way too much. I eat out of boredom, anxiety, need for comfort, etc. I was actually exercising a whole lot earlier this year, but once people started commenting on how good I was looking, all of a sudden I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym. You see, being overweight is my shield. It's the perfect blame-all. For example:

~Why am I not married? I'm fat.
~Why don't I have more kids? Too many health issues with being overweight.
~Why don't I go out more? None of my clothes fit.
~Why do I feel terrible all the time? Slow death by flubber.
~Why are you eating that? What does it matter, my butt is only getting bigger anyway....

I am terrified of what would happen if I actually lost the weight. Who would I be? How would I feel? What would stop good things from happening to me? What would I blame then for my troubles? So, here I sit, in my fat-suit, way too scared to take it off. Even with this whole blogging thing, as I am really forcing myself to exercise, my heart is not in it. There is a lovely woman inside of me, crying to get out, while at the same time busily building brick walls to keep herself trapped inside. I don't know how to change this. I don't know how to get past the fear.

I think I've lost too much, I don't know if I can ever really let myself be vulnerable again. They say it's better to have and lost than to never have loved at all. I'm not convinced that is at all true. Maybe I'll never experience all life has to offer if I don't open myself up to it all, but I also will not experience the devastating losses either, I'm really starting to wonder if I'm ok with that. As I watch my friend go through the loss of her husband, I have to consider if it's worth it....... in all probability, and there are lots of statistics to back me up here, unless I marry a man significantly younger than me, I'll most likely out-live him. Do I want to experience that? I just lost my dog and I can barely function, what on earth would I do if I truly loved a man and he died on me.

Who am I? What am I doing? Why do I let the fear hold me back? What a chicken-shit I've become....

Weight: Not sure, putting a scale on my list for Wal-Mart.

Physical well being: Not great today. Abdominal pain is really bad today.......

Mental well being: Confused, trying to understand the why's of life, pretty convinced that I'll never really get it.

Sleep: Not enough again last night. Mostly due to the fact that I cried so much before bed that I was all congested and plugged up so I couldn't sleep with my mask on at all. This, of course, led to a night of terrible snoring and no deep sleep at all. Stupid sleep apnea!

Food: Did ok today, lots of veggies and a fair amount of protein. Really trying to keep track of my portions.

Exercise: Blew it on exercise today. Took small comfort in using my yoga ball while watching Scrubs (yes, I watched 7 episodes in a row and I'm not at all sorry! :)

Housework: Almost have my kitchen totally over-hauled, need to get bathrooms in order........Oops! Laundry is starting to get away from me again!

Relationship with God: Still not sure I'm hearing Him at all.... Still trying though.

Bible Study: Totally didn't do it today, must make that more of a priority.

General Thoughts: Too tired and too much grief to have much in the way of coherent general thoughts. My heart is sore.

More when I can!

~Jess